Good news, America!
I got the help I needed, and now I’m running for Congress

   Here I am in the House pages’
weight room, Cannon House Office Bldg., Washington, DC. Not shown: Paul Ryan
and Eric Cantor.     

Here I am in the House pages’ weight room, Cannon House Office Bldg., Washington, DC. Not shown: Paul Ryan and Eric Cantor.

 

I promise, if you send me to Washington, to devote all my energies to introduce legislation that will commit this great nation to a program of a scope and scale not seen since we built the interstate highway system, eliminated segregation, declared war on poverty, and landed a man on the moon. My vision, in a word, is a world made safe for the Second Amendment. How, you ask, can a nation so riven with partisan rancor, so angry at the infringements of our liberty, a world in which inner-city teenagers lack the self-control to carry guns safely from squalid homes, onto mean streets, and into dilapidated schools—how can we, under such conditions, ensure that the rights of arms and those who bear them will be protected? Protect them we must, to preserve the well-ordered citizens’ militia called for in our great nation’s sacred founding document.

The answer is simple: We must act now, before it’s too late, to change human nature. The task is daunting: From time immemorial, humans have been given to spasms of uncontrollable anger, in ancient times in response to grave offenses such as the purloining of one’s livestock or women, latterly in response to the pressures and insecurities of life in a teeming metropolis, in certain quarters of which a sort of crowd-sourced genocide seems now to reign.

And when in the grip of a spasm of anger, we reach for the nearest weapon, often an innocent gun. Once the anger is spent, consequences arrive, and regret often sets in.

In other cases, we humans are subject to one or more of the Deadly Sins, often serially; we break the commandments given to us by our Founders’ founders, as it were. (It is no accident, as the Marxists used to say, that Charlton Heston played Moses before signing the Declaration of Independence and becoming president of the NRA.)

The failings catalogued above are human nature. They render some of us permanently unable, and nearly all of us occasionally unable, to safely exercise our right—nay our duty!—to bear arms. How, you ask, can we hope to change human nature? Not through massive public investments in education, employment, public safety, mass transportation, housing, health care, and infrastructure. In addition to swelling the deficit, such meddling merely tightens the fetters on our struggling spirits by putting individual decisions into the hands of Big Government. Remember, those who trade liberty for security get neither.

No. Government has no role other than to get out of the way of the solution that I, with my sponsors, the good folks at Monsanto and Pfizer, am proud to announce: Transformational Nutrition. I cannot provide full details until I am elected, but I have been working with Free Enterprise to create irresistable foods in a variety of appealing forms (bars, chips) that will make every one of us permanently stable enough to safely exercise our Second Amendment duties while keeping the spectre of Big Brother at bay. Have a Freedom Bar®, and enjoy your day.